I am a simple person…an artist with many layers…but simple at heart. My life has been forged through a series of challenges that make me want few things in life: Peace, Freedom, Healing. Mindfulness has beckoned me in recent months. I have been on somewhat of a sabbatical, mainly due to health issues, but also because of mental blocks that paralyzed my inspiration. I suppose this is bound to happen from time to time for many artists.
I feel I have finally broken free, due to a new perspective that has awakened.
See, I am not driven by success or motivated by others ambitions. I’m not keen on competition and for me this journey is more about the experience…not the destination. My creative vision is to embrace compassion. Opening myself to the moment and creating something from nothing…forming life into a project that once never existed. Giving love to myself, my work, and ultimately to others.
I found out yesterday that my schizophrenic sister is back in the psych ward of her local hospital. And for a moment I felt the same as I always have when I experience this news. I felt sad, confused, lost, numb. I’m not surprised or dumbfounded…this has happened plenty of times throughout her life, and as much as I wish she was well, we all know it’s only a matter of time before a trigger sets her off. But it’s hard not to feel that rush of unstable emotions come flooding back – the same I felt as a child watching…witnessing…experiencing her violent episodes. I still remember the smell of my bedroom closet – the safe place I would borrow myself to shut myself out from her fits. When she lived with us, insanity seemed to linger through every room…drifting along the hallways like a fog that never lifts. Lost. I felt so lost as a child and I remember so vividly as I could usually sense when an episode was coming on. The monsters from the darkest places of her mind would emerge tormenting her with fury. It’s not her fault. I know that now. But something felt so deep is never forgotten.
I made a deal with myself several years ago that I will no longer bury my pain in the secrecy that shrouded my childhood. I am an adult. So I have been in active pursuit to free the negative suppression that binds my mind so regularly. Freedom. Peace. Healing. Yes, for me they are found from within. I have felt the sweet embrace that Spirit offers and I know now that my life has purpose. The artist bursting within me knows she is here for a reason. My gifts that originally evolved in the secret depths of pain and instability are finding their wings to soar.
I listen intently to my intuition and I know it’s not about me. The journey is not about the urgency to succeed or get ahead. No. My purpose reaches far deeper. My journey is my path to freedom, peace, and healing and to help others find freedom, peace, and healing.
As I reflect, I know I am not that same person I was as a child. And even though those momentous emotions tend to creep back, they are truly not how I feel today. That fear is but a former remnant. Those emotions do not define me. They are whispers from my past, buried in the grave of my adolescence.
It has taken many years, but my metamorphosis is awakening.
I am free.
And that freedom allows me to live, if only for a moment, in peace.
Thanks for reading,